Dirty snow was once beautiful

I knew this person. Who tore my breath apart. I thought that we were to be together. But my childhood became corrupt, and I was sent away, living practically alone at the age of five. That was the time I cried all night, and I never cried again. I knew I had never seen an angel in my life, and because of this, I cut myself. I wouldn't let myself cry, yet I cried with tears of blood. So I sobbed all night. Because I knew I could cover it up easier than my eyes. Months later, I returned.

We met again. We began again. I promised myself I would never cry again, but when we met eyes again, I ran, I sprinted, and we danced till the day had grown old. And I knew I lied, because I knew that this was the angel I had met eyes with. But by the end of the day.

She was dead.

And i never got my breath back.

I now know that I am as changed as the once beautifully white snow.

a Poetic twist to music

you spend all your time waiting in the crossfire, for that second chance.
for a breath of awakening that would take you to your judgement day.
you seek the one you love, but
don't get your plane right on time,
know you're part of the fire.
and you should know better
than to go running of in the fields

where are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has just began to fall crop circles in the carpet!
a tornado flew around my room before you arrived
i cleaned the mess it made, but it made a mess again
i usually don't fall in love in southern California.
so i come up to meet you, to
tell you im sorry.
to ask you if should love each other
one day more.
in another life, for another destiny
so we can seek this never ending road to Calvary

what deep post could i put on my blog now...oooh pictures!!!

LOVE MOVED TO CALIFORNIA

Pain is a countless and hopeless agony and torment that cannot be the only type of pain i have met eyes with. pain seems to haunt me. chasing me in my dreams. trying to kill me. running with love seems to be the only way.

Yet love? love is worse. love seems to hide in the distance, or in the corner waiting. and when you least expect it, you'll see love, hiding in the darkness, sitting there, worried, just as much as you are. yet love is with depression, talking, thinking, finding out from depression, that love is being watched, by you, so love looks over at you. and do you know what to do about it? no, because you haven't experienced anything like it before. and all of the sudden you feel scared and frightened, and crazy. and you'll walk towards love, not knowing what to do. yet when you get close. love leaps up, taller than a building, sending emotions through the roof, taking you with them, and sending you high in the air. and you fall, and all you feel is the air rushing across your skin.
all you have to do is ask for love to catch you, and it will.

if you don't, pain will. and pain will feel cheated.

if lust sees you falling. run.
if sadness hears you calling for love, he will yell.

but you wont hear it, because you hear better things.
hope will cheer, and start to cry.
but hope still fears pain.
so he calms down.

right now

pain seems to be leaving love alone.
yet i seem to have lost love.

love moved to California last year.

All The Kids Have Grown Up

43110

why do i need to be so lonely. why is this the life i live, in this, the distance between me speaking my mind and letting it all out, to the only place in my mind where i can live in my own insanity, i just keep the words flowing and my mind seems to know what to do to keep it all sounding like an actual sentence. i have no control of my life, yet someone is home and it seems to me that i'm just drinking a cup of tea. and i run out, letting my emotions spill everywhere. just over an empty cup of tea. i splurge. and i seem to be deleting the sentence i don't like. because it went bad.

i feel to close to the rest of the sentences, and that is how the first Claustrophobic created the paragraph ,and the tab, and the space. i need some space in my life right now. YET I REALIZE. what does the tab mean compared to the way one lives. i guess a head start from the rest. kinda like a 'race to the finish' type deal.



i took a breath just to get away from the computor for a bit, so i could slow down and think to myself. but that is why i started typing again, because i didnt want to think. i want to keep my words fresh. right now the only word in my head is only one word. and that word changes everytime i type a new word. i still forget to mention that i only sweat the small things like commas and periods,

and the difference between "your" and "you're". i am the problem when it comes to judging someone's sentences. the only difference is that i don't mind capitalizing. why?

because my insanity doesn't give a shit.

HOW I WRITE DEPRESSION

                      D: find a personal DEVASTATION

                                            E: have a public EPISODE (but not too obvious)

                                   P: PARTICIPATE in listening to sad music

R: READ a sad poem

                                  E: ENJOY the feeling you get after crying

 S: SIT all by yourself

                                   S: realize that you are really really SAD    

      I: IMAGINE better days

                         O: ORGANIZE your feelings into art

                                                 N: write a touching letter to yourself on a NAPKIN

In short,
Be Original

your love is but the outside of the earth everywhere

 i now dazzl in the tasteful fire

 list to celebrate how gifts see a powerful skin. more fashion like free and beauty at a service mark. support a legacy made to win everywhere

 love story:we fall in the romantic occasion

 i love the making of a legand

 the legacy honoring the legendary

 i wonder what to wear

he was in his writers game. but this season made fun of the horrible disconnection to the attack... by the time his good name premiered, it was warming up his extreme, confided, funny candidate. he did not leave a good audience during a commercial break. he can run the tiebreaker. his reruns got awkward, his speech cheers but he loses time. his hand runs on crippling fear and kicks in to be finer things seen for the first time, a far cry to see something touched by her security. within, he cant ignore.
dream casual, to wear the earth

It's Made All The Difference, Yet It Wasn't In My Favor

f
 a
  l
   l
    i
     n
      g

       h
        a
         s

          n
           e
            v    it
             e    is
              r    a
                    forbidden
             b     love
            e     that
           e     cannot
          n     win
                no
         s     matter
        o     how
              strong.
       h   
      a
     r
    d
what my problem seems to be is that i am falling in the wrong direction, knowing right from wronghas never been so confusing. i want to see what i have been doing wrong, but no one can seem to help me and my problems. I am just as confused as you were when you couldn't decide if you loved me or not. but i guess that is the answer. because you dont know what you want anymore. so your just as confused as me. perfect. well now that we are at a halt, i guess its my turn to make a decision, and i know that i am never going to like my decision, but it has to be this.

i choose to forfeit. because i cannot kiss.

The Stupid Decision Of A Procrastinator

So today I couldn't take it. In my life, only one phrase has been talking to me. I do not know where it comes from and it goes something like this
"It's better to be let down from knowing, then by not knowing at all. Because then you will live a life of what if." I saw this and I knew that a question unanswered is a fate of depression.

It's been burning in my heart, giving me that feeling that makes me want to scratch my chest out because there isn't enough room in my body, because I find my skin claustrophobic to the senses. And love is pushing it. I needed to be set free! My question, unanswered, needed to be found. But then I asked, and you told, and I fell. And I can't get back up. Because I found you, but this wasn't the way it should have been. Because now I am dying. My heart is rotting. Surviving on only Coca~Cola and tears. Yet the tears feel good. And they stop falling. And my heart stops. I've been through this once before. I won't go through it again. But that's the stupid decision of a procrastinator. Waiting till now to finally put my mind to my heart, and instead of my heart, to my feet, and my feet to my lungs. Cause walking hurts my breathing, so why didn't I just stop? Because love was hopeful. And because love does what he wants.

I  N D   I
n  o  r   n
d  n  a   d
i   e   m   i
p      a    v
e       t    i
n       i   d
d       c   u
a            a
n            l
t

 
 

a funny GIFt to you

iNDi

Futile, Yet Persuasive.

so it must come to this, deciding which path to take has never been so impertinent, and it has become uncomfortable to me. its futile, yet persuasive. but i honestly don't know what to see, or hear, yet i touch and feel you there. right in front of me. after what had happened today, almost breaking down crying in more than three of my classes, i don't know how i can hold it back tomorrow. but i must, because not crying means my identity, and identity makes all the difference.

Thinking About Thursday.

Well I'm kind of confused. i guess I'm receiving mixed messages about you, about us, about me. about what we feel, and how we see each other, and i guess its just hard for me to imagine what you see when you see me! well i guess I've just got pre-love syndrome, and it is a killer. falling is futile and a sin. when i see you,  i fall right into your heart, your hands, your arms, and my own pool of emotions. I'm sure you have heard of the quote "love is a battle field.", because I'm pretty sure that your army has its fort built strong, it just makes me worried if my army can break through that wall to get to you. going crazy must be a symptom, yet going crazy makes all the difference.

WATER FOR ELEPHANTS

honestly i think a might like-like you, why do we honestly not ask each other? if we feel something, if you feel something! i cant take this anymore! seriously!! and my life is so screwed up right now. you would think that only an idiot would try to find love during my crazy screwed up life, but i cant help it, I'm falling! i feel like Alice. crawling through a dark tunnel, until i fall, but falling never ends, until i reach the bottom. hopefully your not like the white rabbit, running away after i have been falling for you this whole time. cause that white rabbit just pisses me off! but never mind about that.

we watched water for elephants, and i cried in front of you, and i didn't know if that was ok, crying in front of you.

we went to the dance, and we walked through the circus. and i freaking hate that circus!!! why did they have to make us hold those freaking stupid ropes!! i wanted to hold your hand! i wanted to be near you! that is the whole reason i bought a ticket to the dance!

whats my next move? i don't have a clue!! and it scares me! cause its either a kiss or a forfeit. yet that makes all the difference.

Our Star

i knew that it was the right choice, to go and take the twenty seconds of courage to ask if i could hold your hand. we were scared and i wanted it to be this way, i knew that you wanted me to be scared so that i would ask, because you already know what you want. that is how the night started. now we both remember the first time we held hands, it was pretty frightening, and it was mostly because we were at a haunted house. but that's not the point, the point is that you were the one who said that we could hold hands and that is the only reason you wanted to go their yesterday. just so we could hold hands, just so we could point out the only star in the sky that was important to us. just so you would drive me crazy thinking that star was OUR star.. but then i would pull back thinking i was going crazy and it made me realize that i didn't even know if you liked me or not, i had no clue whatsoever, and i realized that, either I'm bad at reading your clues, or your just bad at leaving hints here or their. and i don't know what to think of myself. but i know that i have really strong feelings for you... in fact you could say I'm in love, but everyone knows that you can only be in love if the other person loves you back. the only reason i wright this at night is because i have a slight loss of my senses, which adds to the fact that i think no one knows who i am and that i am pretty sure no one knows who i am talking about. yet they wouldn't know where the gap is where i started liking you and where i stopped liking  some specific individual that i have lost all feelings for.. hopefully, because i cant stand the pressure of liking two people at once. that's where it would go hopelessly wrong... all of it, all that i have worked for all the way to this point, where i can hold you hand and.. in fact.. i honestly cannot tell who's hand is the cold clammy one and who's hand is the sweaty one. yet not knowing has made all the difference.

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING (watch it all!)

IDENTITY

I Just Want To Take A Nap

dreaming is different. apparently one individual can eventually stop having dreams! i am afraid of the day that is supposed to happen to me, yet i know that i can change my fate. (you said that in a Scottish accent, didn't you?). what has happened to those who have stopped dreaming? i can tell you that they haven't gone insane,no, because that is when dreams try to come out and escape and overflow and go every where and create a mess of that individual. it seems that most of the people who have stopped dreaming, have stopped believing. and i don't care if that's the most cheesy bullshit you have ever heard in your entire life. it is true. BUT keep in mind that not believing is only one of many reasons why some people have stopped dreaming. talking about it would only give you a false sense of hope or some stupid excuse to become something you want instead of fate itself, just fake. I DON'T WANT TO BE FAKE. so why would i want to search for the reasons why people stopped dreaming. i want to dream, i want to dream so much the it will make me crazy! i want nothing more than to be surrounded with my greatest dreams. at the same time, i don't want that. i want a life where love thrives and you choose where you want to be and with whomever you want to be with, its all about your dreams and where you want to go. yet its hard. but i move on, letting life take its course... sure ill still have my hands on the wheels but lets be honest, i just want to take a nap. you know, those naps with the short little love stories, those are the ones that let me choose to live. it helps me from becoming...crazy,     and that has made all the difference.

~DD

It Is Quite A Tragedy, Really.

I was of the age of eight when i found out the most devastating news that i have ever experienced in my entire life. but i don't feel like telling you, and its quite a tragedy really. cause I'm sure you would love it. but whom am i to give you the illusion of my depression and sadness. why would i wish for you to know what i feel. honestly letting you in like that would pull you back a bit. and i guess the bigger picture is seen when taking a step back. but i don't wish for this to happen, you see, i want you to remain as you are. happy.
honestly i would love to have a discussion about happy things in our lives that made us cry, like a story, like a story about love. you know! the one about a little girl, who sold matches to earn money but nobody would buy them. I know the story though, so let me tell it to you!

love. hope. and no lust, whatsoever.

IN LIFE, i look over at you, just for a quick glance. you are right next to me. when I'm not looking at you, your looking at me, i can feel it, your eyes have a passion that radiates life in a way that love only possesses. 

How can i say these things? just to make me feel better? just so i can think that you might love me? just to keep my mind racing onward towards a fate that will break me... and the one i love? or do i think these things cause i have hope? What happens when hope is mixed with love? it lives on! but what happens when hope is mixed with lust? it shatters glass for everyone to step on, until you pick up the pieces. but it doesn't seem like that at first, no, its like a glass doorknob, with some fire and time, it will shatter. I'm scared

i look back over at you. you look away. it takes you a second, but you look back. we sit there and look at each other. at first we are OK, but then it gets kind of crazy... we laugh and then we tear up and then laugh some more. we both know whats going on. love. hope. and no lust whatsoever. with no hesitation you lunge towards me with a kiss. i only wish i had thought to do that first. yet with the kiss comes a tear...... finally.... I'm free

Alone, Once Again

I woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. You could say it was a bad dream but no it was a bad reality and a good dream that was too much for me to bear. I dreamed I was with you and we were looking over at each other, we locked eyes so tight it started to become too romantic to not exist. To add to it all we leaned closer to each other. So close I can smell the mint in your mouth. I felt the heat radiating from your face and it seem to pull me closer. But right before our lips touched I woke up with my heart racing and, feeling very dizzy, I pushed the covers off of me and turned on the lights. I was alone, once again.

WhereThe Love Is

why do i still love you? could this all be lust, no! i don't want that from you. all i want is to feel your love. all i want is you right next to me. i want to go to a cold football game with nothing but a blanket and hot chocolate and you right next to me, being their with your love. i want to give you a kiss, or a thimble. i just want to be OK. i don't want food, i don't want sports, i don't want life, i don't want love, unless its all with you. i want you to call me at 2 am and tell me you love me...but not in a creeper voice, cause that changes the whole situation at 2 am. why cant you be with me!? why are we trapped in this situation where love cant exist and life cant go on. life hasn't moved and time hasn't looked around to see where the love is. i wont take it anymore, love needs to be found, yet instinct takes control and your breathe makes it seem easier, without you, i wouldn't know. keep the music going, it gives me inspiration, keep my life rolling, ill get no hesitation. what is it? its a song! it lifts me up, and lets me down, down towards the earth, it screams my name, i am silent, i fall, i fall down, down into my own heart where i cant be lifted up again, i reach for the light and only get gray, yet its warm in here and life seems to go on. so why do i want out? when this place i am in seems too perfect, i didn't realize. you were here all along. so what i took the road less traveled by. it made all the difference.

To Introduce Myself

I would love to thank Hiraoka Kimitake for putting my blog together. she is one of my dearest friends, and I haven't a clue on how to use any type of electronic devise known to any man... period.
I will hopefully be able to blog correctly with the knowledge that Hiraoka has given to me while she is away.

oh, allow me to introduce myself. my name is Dehlia Draycott.

More To Come

Dweling in the rain of the woods, i find myself in the middle of nowhere. beautiful pine trees become dark and dreary, woodland creatures become from cute to deadly. the night sky comes out and the moon comes into center. everything is calm and peaceful.
I have never felt this way, yet i know there is still more to come. i am not just anywhere as i walk into an opening. everything is silent and a breath of awakening comes to me... shivers down my neck and cloudes lower to the point where i can feel the air get wet.
This is what i know to be the closest to love i have ever come in contact so far in my life, yet so young.

Now life has become interesting and time is no longer a medium.

~Dehlia


P.S. BRICKS... the end..     ..maybe

Love Is: Heartbreak

LOVE 

love quotes from an airplane

"love is giving someone the detonator to your heart and trusting them not to pull the trigger"

"when you realize you are not the most important in the world.

because she is, at least in your world"

"love is caring about someone more than you care about yourself"

"love can make your life, it can also destroy it"

"the way you love me"

"love is:

heartbreak

sorrow

happiness

a dream

music

life

like air

everything

missing someone

friendship/ family"

 "love is your other half"

"sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye"

"love is a time bomb"

 "love is a battlefield"

 

DD